Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil...
The last few weeks have been crazy. There has been so much change in such a short period of time. I was on a spiritual peak as I left Liberty to come to my new base. God definitely brought me here... I know that... I have just been experience attacks unlike any I have experienced since I was first made aware of our Saviors loving Grace. I have been crying out to My God to deliver me from this temptation and the disobedience that I have been experiencing but then turning my ear to see who else I hear when he replies. I have truly learned that Pride comes before the fall, and makes it easy to fall into old habits. When you are struggling with obedience it is soo easy to feel as though you are slowly building a wall between you and God... each word, thought, action that is against his will serving as a brick tightly locking into places as they slip out of your control. I actually reached a point last week where I felt as though this was it... I had reached the place where I was complacent and had resigned myself to my flesh... my complaining... my stress... my sarcasm... my wants... my bitterness... my discontentment... my personal idols that I use to feel fulfilled. I have been teetering back and forth between being completely saddened by my state and longing for the more that God has definitely promised me and completely content with the world and thinking things were as they should be.
Then Yesterday Came...
I sat in my hooch crying out to the Lord asking him why in the world he would send me to a place where I had no spiritual support when I was at a base where I was plugged into church and actually being encouraged and growing. I thought back to the gospel services that I attended on New Years and throughout my time at Liberty. I missed that feeling of people filled with the Spirit.
Flash Forward to Today...
This morning I walked to work praying to God and thanking him for loving us even though we are flawed and unlovable most of the time... I felt so unloved and unworthy of all the promises that God has made to me. I got to work and it was an ordinary day... until God started to move in a conversation with a friend who is experiencing a similar desert in his faith and obedience... I started to realize that I have a choice to make ... not tomorrow but today ... I am either going to walk in his will or not... and the choice is mine... I don't want to be Levi... I don't want to go for the Land that looks good to me... I want to wait for the promised Land that God has promised me. So I made this decision in my mind... and the day started to turn bright... I could hear my God and I could feel his Spirit... I was working hard and stocking Sodas when I hear someone from above me... I look up and there is a familiar face that I can't seem to place.
"You are from Liberty aren't you?"
"Yes" I replied
"You went to gospel service at Warrior Chapel right? I am the choir director"
"Yeah I went there.. are you here now?"
"Yeah" he said "Our unit just moved here so we are starting the church up here... the Chaplain is trying to figure out when services are going to be and I think he is going to be setting up a women's ministry and Bible Study on Tuesdays"
Seriously God!!! You moved an entire church for your daughter.... he never ceases to amaze me... I cry out to him and the next day this happens... Right when you think you are unlovable and that God couldn't possibly want to deal with you he does something so amazing and unexpected...
Later tonight I was on IM and I got this message...
kurt: pst
Bekah: yeah
kurt: I hear Jesus loves you
The perfect ending to a wonderful and hopeful day... I love how God can talk to us in so many ways...
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord"
Romans 8:37-39
Blog from January 18th...

Detour….
So I haven’t really been blogging much. It is a shame also cause there has been so much happening. Adam came to visit Liberty and him and I befriended the Ugandans there on Camp. One of them Diana told us that there was a Church service there in their living camp and so he and I decided to go. It was dark out as we drove around base in search of “Tent 50” which is the Church. When we finally got there we had to walk amidst the T walls in the dark and were only able to find its location because of the booming sound of what sounded like a tent full of strong voices singing Hallelujah over and over. We walked toward the source of the sound… opened the tent door…to find only a handful of people swaying with eyes closed and voices shouting to the Lord. It was one of the most magnificent feelings that I have ever had worshipping with the Ugandan people. There is something Big about finding yourself as a Mexican American… In Iraq… worshipping with Ugandans. It is such an amazing feeling knowing that God brought you across the world just so that he could give you that opportunity.
I can’t even describe how sweet the members of the church were and Adam and I attended their service everyday of that week that we were together at Liberty. One of the days that week Brad, Richard, Staley, Tek, Adam and I were driving home from the Chow Hall when I started talking about how I really wanted to be able to see the Sabers at the IZ and be able to fly in a Black Hawk and how I wished that I were at a smaller base with a smaller store where I would be able to meet more soldiers and have more personal one on one contact with my customers. I kid you not… THE NEXT DAY I was working in the container yard moving merchandise when my Boss’s boss comes up to me and tells me that I am going to be moving to the IZ, taking a Black Hawk over there, going to a small store, and going to be able to see my sister on a regular basis. Praise the Lord for knowing my hearts desires and having it in the works before I even knew or thought to voice that I wanted those things. I am still amazed as I sit here in my new room, after a long day at my new store, with my new roommate. Which is another thing… she is an interpreter for the military and is from Jordan originally but is an American. She is Muslim and devout at that. All of the time she is in the room she is reading the Quran and she wakes up at midnight every night to pray. It should be interesting living with her. I wonder why God put us together. I need to be strong and voice my faith and be willing to stand up for it if need be. I tend to shy away from being vocal when I am in contact with people who are strong in other faiths. I can’t wait to see what the Lord is doing here and what he has planned. Maybe I am supposed to learn Arabic… who knows.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

There's Bousta be a Holy Ghost Explosion up in this Mess!!!

Ha Ha WOW!!! It is officially 2009 and it is a GREAT YEAR already. I have been feeling this conviction on my heart for the last two weeks to just tear off my old self and throw it away. To really use this time away from the hustle and bustle of the city and of the mess that I made over the last 8 years and just come to the Lord. Well I have been studying Romans during my lunch times and whenever I have a chance and I keep finding myself reading Romans 12:1-2 over and over again. "Therefore I urge you brothers, in view of God's mercy to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and spprove what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." Even when I don't mean, to I will just end up there and read it. The portion about offering our bodies as a living sacrifice is what stands out the most. I know God has been pointing me in the direction of this scripture for a reason but I keep saying okay God... tomorrow God... I promise I will do it... but unlike My God... I do not always follow through on my word.

Well on Monday I went to that Bible Study and Mike the guy that I met a few weeks ago at church invited me to a New Years service at another church of the other side of town. I wasn't really feeling like going today cause I bought a Wii and a TV and really wanted to play it with Brad and Richard ... but something (God) told me to leave them in my room to set it up and just go to the service. So I went... I get there they hand me the service flyer and what does it say???

Renewing Our Minds in 2009
Whooooeeeee... I was on fire!!! I knew that God brought me to that place for a reason. He had been preparing me for what I was about to hear. So the preacher started talking about how we really need to fully just give up that old self... which was exactly what the Spirit has been telling me... he preached about setting ourselves apart and really surrendering. Gosh I can't even type everything that God told me tonight. It was a Gospel service which I am coming to LOVE!!! And in the middle of the choir singing and me sitting there with my head bowed and tears dripping from my closed eyes I felt the building shake and the sound of a mortar hitting nearby... it was right then that I felt the power of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!! He was in that place tonight... while we were worshipping. Though arrows were flying to our right and our left he protects us because we worship him, love him, and call on his name!!! Whooooooo.... I am soooo ready!!! This is going to be an amazing year for those who Love the Lord!!! I can feel it!!!
Where Does it go?
Careless, I am reckless
I'm a wrong-way-travelin'-slowly-unraveling shell of a man
Burnt out, I'm so numb now
That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner of my cold, cold heart
Lord, this time I'll make it right, here at the altar I lay my life
Your kingdom come but my will was done, my heart is broken as I...
Cry, like so many times before
But my eyes are dry before I leave the floor, oh Lord
I try but this time, Jesus, how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through
Between the altar and the door
Here at the altar, oh my world so black and white
How could I ever falter
What You've shown me to be right
I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard
Just let You be who You are
Lord, who You are in me
Jesus, I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard
Just let You be who You are
Lord, who You are in me
-Casting Crowns
I have been trying all day long to download the 2nd season of The Tudors...the show about Kind Henry the 8th that I was obsessed with one bored weekend back in the fall. While waiting for the shows to Download I went to lunch and ran some errands with Brad and basically did a lot of nothing... which is a pleasant break from working all day long everyday. During all of the rushing and waiting around my downloads stalled... so I restarted Itunes to try again. When I restarted itunes what started downloading wasn't The Tudors, but Casting Crowns CD The Altar and the Door.... random... I definitely didn't try DLing that CD today and I have restarted my itunes MANY times over the last few days and it has never started DLing the CD. So I just started to listen to some of the songs and they are awesome. I particularly love the song above.... seriously I feel like this ALL of the time. When I am there in the Lord's house or in his word everything is Black and White and I am on fire to be obedient...then I close my Bible and go back to work or I leave his house and go back into my world here in Iraq that is filled with pain, cursing, loneliness, vices, vulgarity, and anger and I am sooo apt to stumble within minutes. I have caught myself slipping up and cursing everyonce in a while which is unlike me. This song is exactly how I have been feeling. I know that I need to stop trying so hard and fighting and just give it all to the Lord...It isn't my battle to fight. He will fight for me!!! Oh Lord I Cry like so many times before...Oh Lord I try but this time Jesus I KNOW I can be sure....cause I am going to let you be who you are in me!!!
Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle
Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves
Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle
-Casting Crowns
Gosh... it is sooo crazy how much I really needed to hear this CD. It has really pumped me up. Crazy how the Lord works sometimes...it is weird thinking that He even uses ITunes to talk to us. :) I LOVE IT!!!

Thursday, December 25, 2008


“Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace to men on whom his favor rests”

Wow… today has been amazing. It was my first day off in weeks and I will tell you the Lord definitely took the opportunity to really talk to me. I slept in and woke up at 1100 was walking to the DFAC ran into some friends who picked me up and took me to the NICE DFAC on the other part of our base and then went to work at 1400 for a meeting… (here a day off means you get to sleep in and come and go to work as you please… there is never really a day off) I ended up staying at work longer than I would have liked to and decided to check my mail before I left. Opened my inbox and there was an e mail about the church services here on post. There was one at 1730 that was a protestant candlelight service. I looked at my watch realized I had plenty of time to spare and decided that I would walk over there.

On my way to church I got this incredible urge to praise the Lord. I couldn’t think of the words to any songs so I started to make up my own telling the Lord how much I loved him and repeating promises that he has made to me. I was actually kinda caught off guard as I sang as I realized that the melody completely fit the words and the words actually rhymed. Right now as I think back I can’t for the life of me remember how the song went but in the moment it was beautiful and it made my spirit happy. I arrived at the church singing about 10 minutes early and the only vehicle I saw outside of the T walls was a humvee. (For those of you who don’t know what a T wall is… it is a huge concrete barrier about 10 feet tall that protects the buildings from mortar fire.) As I made my way through the barrier I saw a small group of 5 men outside waiting. Three guys were in their PT uniforms, one was in his ACUs and one was a contractor with his bike. They told me that the door was locked and that it didn’t look like anyone was there yet. I stood there with them for about 5 minutes waiting for someone to open the door. As I was waiting I saw three women approaching wearing our company’s jacket. It was my friend Beverly from back home and two other ladies. It was soo exciting to see people from work there at church. We chatted about work and then 2 soldiers came up and told us that the service was actually at 1930 and that we the flyers were printed incorrectly. The ladies said that they were going to go eat and asked me if I wanted to join…I did.

While at dinner we started talking about Iraq and about our living conditions etc. I mentioned that I really wanted a desk so that I could read and use my computer and Beverly lit up and told me that she had an extra table that she had to get rid of by tomorrow morning… PRAISE THE LORD!! She then said that she loved how that happens how nothing is a coincidence and how it gives her chills all of the time. I was soo excited to hear that she felt the Holy Spirit in us hanging out tonight and running into each other also. Get this… it also turns out that all 4 of us have Wednesdays off and so we are going to be able to go shopping and on the tours and exploring the base together now. They also meet up for breakfast every morning so I think I am going to start going with them. J After dinner we went to the PX where I was able to buy a bunch of stuff that I have been wanting to get but didn’t have a car to carry it home… and Beverly told me that anytime I needed a car I could call her. After we took everything back to my Hooch…including the desk that I am using right now as I type we finally went to church. When we got there I found Mike the guy that I met on Sunday night and he was talking to a man who everyone was calling Pastor Ken… so I believe that he is a Pastor back home… but he works here as a contractor. The four of us sat down by Mike and Ken and waited for service to start.

As I was sitting there praying Pastor Ken started talking about this verse in Mark … Mark 6:31 “And he said unto them ‘Come ye yourselves apart into a desert place and rest a while.‘” As he said that something in my heart caught. I knew that the Lord was using him to talk to me. That is why I am here… He then started talking about Martha and Mary and how Jesus called Martha to be like her sister and just sit at his feet and be with him. I feel like the last week God keeps emphasizing this to me. To live simply and humbly and just be with him. I told Ken that that was exactly what I needed to hear. And GET THIS!!! In my single Bible that I have here with me the translation doesn’t say desert….so the only way that I would have known that that was what that verse said in other translations is through someone either telling me or me using someone elses Bible… Geez it gives me goosebumps right now. I love the Lord SOOOO MUCH!!! In one day he has talked to me sooo much given me everything that I have been not only needing… like a reassuring word from him and other believers to be and talk with on my day off, but also things that I wanted like a table and a ride to get everything that I wanted to have in my room.
It doesn’t even end there. While I was on my way out of the Church I saw a rack of books in the back. There is a book that almost everytime that I am in Barnes and Noble I think about buying… “Experiencing God Day-by-Day” I have never bought it though… something always held me back from buying it. Well today as I was walking out of Church there it was… a free camo version sitting in the rack for me to take. I picked it up and decided that I would look at it once I got home. I got home set up my room at at my new desk getting ready to blog and open to the 24th of December… and what does it say??

“Blessed is she who believed. For there will be a fulfillment of those things which were told her from the Lord.” Luke 1:45

Praise be to God in the Highest… Emmanuel… God is Definitely with us.
I knew when I left to come to Iraq that I needed to be here for Christmas… I kept thinking it was so that I could be a smiling face for the soldiers but I know now that it was so that God could really show me the true meaning of Christmas and so that he could show himself to me and make me realize how much he loves us… to send his only Son into the world so that he could Save Us!! I will never ever in my life see Christmas the same!!!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

He will protect those who love Him and call on His name...
Today was kinda rough... it is Sunday and I had to work about 11 hours. I am not used to not being able to spend my Sunday with other believers in worship. I woke up this morning not sure if I was going to even be able to go to service let alone find an actual Church. I did however email a few people and found out that there was a contemporary service at 2000. Which is perfect cause I get off at 5-6ish on Sundays. So I went to service and totally felt the Lord there. I sat by myself and felt like it was just Me and God throughout most of the service. I had been around people ALL day long and just wanted to fall into my Father's arms alone. I didn't talk to anyone and didn't really want to. While I was there sitting in His house I don't know why but I just kinda broke down. I felt like all of the anxiousness and sadness that I have pushed aside the last few days being away from my friends and my family just all hit at once. I sat throughout the entire service with tears on the edge of my eyelids just waiting to fall. The Pastor spoke about the obedience of Joseph and Mary and emphasized that the Lord chose them because he knew that they would be obedient. He asked us if we were the kind of people that the Lord knows will be obedient to him. It was like he was saying exactly what I needed to hear. Right then I knew why I am here. I am being prepared to be that person that the Lord can call on and expect faithfulness and obedience.
The Lord totally spoke to me tonight...I feel like I am revamped and know that I need to use my time here to totally focus on Him and let him mold me. I don't know what for but I need to let him turn me into that person that he knows will be obedient. I want to be used!! After service I sat listening to the worship band wrap up and silently talked to the Lord. The tears finally fell and I felt an overwhelming joy/sadness/helplessness and got up and silently walked out planning to use my walk home to release all of these emotions and just cry out to the Lord in the dark.
I was not even 20 feet from the front door when another guy who was walking home slowed down and struck up conversation. I silently pulled myself together grateful for the mask of the darkness and started talking to him. His name was Mike and he is an older man who was in the Army but is now a contractor. On our walk home I found out that he does something with the Church everynight, is from San Antonio, and found the Lord during his stay in Mosul a year ago. He told me about all of the activities that are available at the two churches that are in walking distance from my hooch (my trailer for those of you who don't know the terminology). He totally reassured me that God's people are definitely here on this Camp. We talked for about an hour about his family and how we came to know the Lord and how both of us felt the Lord brought us here but that we are just trying to wait patiently to see the big picture. It was exactly what I needed. I needed to have contact with someone who is a believer also. At work there is no one to talk to about the Lord and it makes it difficult.
Mike also told me about how over Thanksgiving weekend there was a mortar attack where 4 mortars were shot here in my neighboring area and how one of the mortars was headed to the DFAC right across from my store that I eat lunch at but that it fell just short and hit a motor pool instead, one mortar was hit by some of our guns and destroyed in air, one mortar landed in an open area where a bunch of soldiers were...it hit the ground and was a dud, one hit someones hooch but the soldier who lived there had been chatting with his wife when his internet went out... he got frustrated and left his hooch moments before it got hit... turns out that his internet was the only internet to go out in that living area, one of the Cpts that goes to our church was actually in the hooch next to him and had been so tired that day that he totally passed out and woke up after all of the schrapnel hit his living quarters...he was completely untouched and said that he knows that the reason that he was untouched was because he found the Lord 4 months ago
I know that Mike telling me this was God's way of reassuring me that Psalm 91 is God's promise to me... I have been really nervous since my sister told me that they had an incoming this week at her base...I know that I have no control over that and it drives me crazy... but I know that God's promise is Psalm 91 holds true...he will protect both Lara and Me.
"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him salvation"
Psalm 91:14-16

Saturday, December 20, 2008

God gave me lotion??

So today was a wonderful day. It was long and busy. Just like yesterday woke up at 5 and got home at 8. These long work days are going to catch up to me soon I can feel it. Today was a little bit different though. Yesterday was a little bit tough. It was my first day on the job and a little overwhelming. I was not necessarily prepared for the huge workload in front of me. But I know that I will be able to make a big difference in this store and that excites me like crazy. :) Well today I actually got to work the floor... yesterday I was stuffed in my office trying to get ahold of the task that lies before me. Today I was out on the floor making changes... stocking... talking with customers. It was great. I decided that I was going to do everything that I could to keep our customers happy cause after all these are the men and women that are sacrificing their Christmas to keep our families safe.


Well when I decided that I was going to do everything to keep them satisfied I didn't realize that that would mean running back and forth from our sales floor to the back "stock room" throughout the ENTIRE day. When I say stock room I mean a HUGE yard of more than 150 18 wheeler containers... all numbered and full of merchandise. Needless to say it was a daunting task going to the back to verify whether or not we had the item that our customers were looking for. But you know what... half of the guys never get to go to a big store becuase they are out in the middle of nowhere fighting and on patrol. So I figure I might as well pick up my lazy butt adn run back to make VERY sure that we don't have something... especially if this may be their last chance to get this items for months to come.


Well get this... I'll take you back to yesterday...I was leaving our store and I kept passing our endcap of Victoria's Secret body lotions and sprays and kept wanting to buy some. Well something in me kept saying... no don't buy it... if you still want it tomorrow then yeah you can start looking and pick one out.


Flash forward to today. Well I was talking to my assistant in her trailer and just happened to look at the desk by her which had a pile of random merchandise on it. It looked like it was all random stuff that had been left around the store and someone had picked up and put in a big pile on a random desk. Well I mentally took inventory of the merchandise... I don't know why.... but I did. Later that day I was running around the clothes area when a soldier stopped me and asked me if we had any fleece skull caps in the camo green color. I knew that we had knit so I steered him in that direction. I was feeling lazy so I was going to just leave him there when something inside of me told me to go and check if we had any fleece cause I knew I was just giving him the alternate out of my own laziness. So I asked him to wait and ran to the back I couldn't find any of my stockers or sales associates so I stood there staring at the hundreds of containers wondering where to start.. then I remembered. The random pile of stuff...there was a camo green fleece cap. (I come to find out it was THE last one in the store) I run to the desk and get it... It was ecstatic!! I run out to the sales floor and look for him in my area but he is gone. I try hard to think of what he looked like and couldn't and wandered around a little more helping customers with the cap still in hand. I was going to just set it back in the back when I got the feeling that I should go look for him around the store and hope that I would recognize him and be able to pick him out of the other 80 guys in uniforms. Well I go over to the electronics and see a guy and walk up to him and he says "hey did you find it"... you have no idea how excited I was to find him. I don't know why but I felt like I needed to get this guy this cap and was really excited about having found it for him. Well I give him the cap, he says thank you, I go back to working with a happy heart.


About 15 minutes pass...


I am there in my area rearranging some fixtures when I get a tap on my shoulder. It is the soldier holding a wrapped up shopping bag. He quickly places it in my hand and says "Sorry I didn't have time to wrap it but I wanted to say thank you." He rushes off. I stand there stunned with a wrapped up shopping bag in my hand.


I open it up and what is inside??


Victoria's Secret Love Spell Body Lotion!!!


Wow God...seriously??? Ha Ha I have no idea why this excites me sooo much but it does... I feel like God was talking to me little by little today and he totally got me that lotion. Today has been amazing... There are so many other things today that I am grateful for and that I could sing praises about... I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings... :)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Starbucks, Rifles, Karaoke and Porta-Potties

So this week has been awesome. I feel like I have lived a lifetime in the past 11 days.

My highlights so far:
-Learning to manipulate a barracks bunk bed so that I don't wake my snoring roommates with the sound of metal hitting metal as I climb to my sleeping place
-using my metal wall locker as a make shift night stand fully equipped with the necessities... surefire flashlight, water, and my Bible...(my ipod stayed on my ears at all times in order to drown out the snoring roommates)
-Realizing that modesty goes out the window when your only option for cleanliness is to suck it up and get used to a group shower where there is absolutely NO privacy
-Being able to wake up 5am to ensure that you actually make the scheduled "eating hours" at the chowhall being grumpy about it but then realizing that for the next 6 months you can just wake up and have an egg white omelet, oatmeal, and all the fruit you want and not have to lift a finger.
-Having the opportunity to learn to suck up my pride and my own sense of smarter than thou and follow orders that I think are ridiculous but I realize are the rules so I have to follow them.
-Standing in formation with a bunch of contractors and other non military and making fools of ourself as we sloppily march up a hill in formation and create our own cadences
-Being surprised on the plane as I realized that the annoying thing hitting the back of my ankles over and over again was the barrel of a really big rifle
-waking up in the middle of the night from the sound of boots marching outside of my tent
-walking in the cold to get to an OUTDOOR bathroom and shower only to find out the lights have gone out AGAIN and realizing that you have to wait til the morning before you get to be clean
-Getting excited that your shower trailer actually has CURTAINS!!! Oh what a happy day that was
-Sitting in the middle of an MWR and seeing a lit Christmas tree, watching soldiers sprawled across recliners watching 'Munich', listening to the sound of soldiers talking to loved ones, and hearing the glorious sound of the clicking of fingers on guitar hero guitars
-Listening to horrible singing during the live outdoor karaoke night in the middle of the communinty area
-Sitting in Starbucks with my friends, my Americano, my Laptop and forgetting that I am miles and miles away from Dallas
-Listening to the sound of our feet trudging across sand and stone mixing with the voices of a gospel choir as we walked past the chapel to dinner
-Laughing like I haven't laughed in years with some of the coolest people I know and realizing that they care about the same people that I care about and that now that we have taken this journey together we are going to be bonded forever
-Seeing a shooting star in the middle of the Kuwaiti sky right when I needed reassurance


Today I had my best day in weeks...God was EVERYWHERE.... in the people around me, in people's emails, in my thoughts, in nature... EVERYWHERE

The sunrise was like the sunrises that you see on prayer post cards... rays of light shining into the clouds like I have never seen, I got reassurance from a friend that I need to stay fast on the path I have been on and not falter, I met some people who gave me the reassurance I have been seeking from the Lord in regards to my ability to do my job successfully, during dinner I bowed my head in prayer for my sister and me before dinner, said Amen, and opened my eyes to find my three friends (who never pray before meals) around us making the sign of the cross and opening their eyes also... Praise the Lord for totally moving!!! I realized today that no matter what is going on around me or what I think might be the reason for my being here... that as I prepare for my flight tomorrow which I am kinda antsy about as I keep hearing stories of mortars and gunfire... I need to just realize that the Lord brought me here so that I can live my life, I need to live day by day and not worry about tomorrow or the challenges I might encounter. I need to focus on loving the people here and being Faithful to my Father. Today I have just felt this crazy sense of joy in realizing that I am back on the right path... the Lord had to move me to mold me and I am grateful for him doing that cause already I feel alive again!! Today has been Awesome I just can't describe it...

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Finally Here

So after 16 hours of grueling airtime we finally landed in Kuwait. It is weird thinking that I am finally here and that there is really no turning back now. It was night time when we finally arrived and we were greeted by the most gorgeous moon that I have ever seen in my life. One of our liasons told us that tonight is said to be the closest that the moon will be to the Earth all year. It is indescribable...the light reflects off of it and makes all of the clouds throughout the entire sky appear to be black. I will post pictures later. It was kinda weird today when after a full week of being with the same 250 people day in and day out we all finally started to go our seperate ways. I am actually starting to feel a little bit scared for all of the soldiers who I have had the chance to befriend... I don't know when the next year has in store for them... all that I can do is pray that they would find strength, refuge and safety in the Lord. I hope to one day run into some of them. You never know. The military family is quite small.

I started to think about actually flying to my duty station later this week. I got a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach when I started to think about doing this all on my own. I have been blessed over the last week having my sister to lean on emotionally. Once we leave it will actually begin. Here in Kuwait there isn't lack of entertainment. In the short time that I have been here... a few hours to be exact I have seen guys playing basketball, playing guitar hero, watching movies in plush reliners, using the internet, playing pool, shopping, sitting in silent prayer in the chapel, eating McDonald's, hanging out at the dfac, talking to loved ones on the phone, and just walking around base socializing. I can't wait to see where I end up being stationed and what kind of facilities and what kind of people they have there.

Tonight I stay in a tent... that is rumored to have mice ha ha... should be an interesting night. :)

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Songs, Stars, and Subtleties

So far the week has been amazing. I have had time to really be in prayer and to read God’s Word. It has been kinda crazy. On Friday night I found myself pushed against a frigid window in a small bus in the middle of rural Georgia staring at the clear night sky. I looked up and my eyes were immediately drawn to Orion… my favorite constellation in the sky. It was amazing. I could see every star in that guy’s belt and every little star that makes up his warrior physique. It was crazy! I had never, in the many years that I have stared up at him, been able to see him quite so clearly. There is something divine about looking up at something I have always thought of as beautiful and realizing that I hadn’t seen anything yet . Up until that night I had thought that I had seen everything that that cluster of stars had to offer and came to the quick realization that all of the hustle and bustle and glamour of the cities that I have been living in had masked some of this natural beauty.

I find this same situation with God. I find that right when I think that he can not be any more faithful or any more beautiful to me, I end up turning off one more light or distraction from him in my life and he becomes that much more clear to me and I am that much closer to him. I strive to one of these days actually turn off those lights and really strip down my life to a point where I am able to really appreciate that true beauty of the Lord and everything that he is. I want to be able to see him the way that he is and not the way that I want for him to be. All of the ideals and the situations that I have built up in my life … my little city if you will that I have created… has definitely clouded the decisions that I make in my life and thus my relationship with God. I know this… I pray that slowly but surely I will be made aware of the buildings that need to be destroyed….ha ha I am really loving this Stars and City metaphor that the Lord is using to teach me.

While I stared up at the stars I started to think about how this same beautiful night sky was the same sky that I would be seeing in a week over Iraq. Right as I started to think that, my ipod shuffled and “Indescribable” came on. I LOVE how God does that!!!

“You put the stars in the sky and you know them by name. You are Amazing God!!!”
Indescribable by Avalon

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Thank the Lord for Obedient Friends
Today's training was rough. They were talking about mortar fire, life and death situations and the dangers that we will face when in theatre. I had a small nervous twinge and "I am crazy for doing this" moment when I came across an email that my Amazing and Faithful friend Brandon sent to me in which he told me that I should read Psalm 91. Right when I was feeling doubt and fear for my safety, the Lord used a note from my friend to bring me the comfort that I so desperately needed at the moment. Our Father never ceases to amaze me and confirm to me that I am doing the right thing. I love God Winks!!!
"If you make the Most High your dwelling even the LORD, who is my refuge then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone."
Psalm 91:9-12
"'Because he loves me,' says the LORD, 'I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.'"
Psalm 91:14-16
Our Lord is sooo faithful and his Word is sooo powerful that in this moment I feel lost for words.
Surrender

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one that's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me.
My dreams are me


Today I said goodbye to my Hidalgo Kids. It was the hardest thing that I have had to do so far. I have to remind myself that God will take care of them and that my prayer is just as powerful as my presence. I had each of them sign my Bible and just looking at it after my drive home brought tears to my eyes. I already anticipate that looking at their notes will get me through some of the rough days that I may have ahead. Thank the Lord for having had the opportunity to witness him moving so strongly in that community. Only 24 weeks till I get to be with my kids again!!!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

I Wouldn't Wanna Be Anywhere Else But Here

I can feel the Lord. He is calling my name louder than I have ever felt before. I just need to make sure that I answer him... I have 5 more days til the beginning of an amazing journey. Actually when I really think about it I have already started the journey. The last week has been amazing. I have seen Our Father EVERYWHERE. I have been desperately and tearfully praying that he would show himself to me and finally give me that peace that I have been missing for the last few weeks. He has definitely shown up and opened my eyes to the major moves that he is making in my life. I have come to realize that there is nothing to fear when the Lord is calling you to do something. Like with the Israelites being called to the Promised Land, when the Lord calls you somewhere he will go before you to prepare the way and will follow behind you in protection.

Yesterday was the first time that I actually thought about what a major move Lara and I are going to be making. Up until this point I haven't really let myself think about the changes that are going to be taking place in my life. As I sat there on a plush Camo recliner in the middle of Bass Pro yesterday afternoon, a twinge of fear caught in my throat. It wasn't fear of dying, leaving family, fear of loneliness, or the fear of forgettting to take something that I really needed. It was the fear of something happening and me not being able to go...and the fear that comes with the realization that when I do actually set foot in the Middle East that will be a confirmation that the Lord has chosen me... out of all people to serve him in a bigger way than I ever thought possible. I struggle with the fear of not being everything I need to be in order for him to use me the way that he wants to. I fear letting my fears hold me back from being obedient and thus missing his call to MY Promised Land.

I know that everything that I am feeling right now is a result of twinges of lack of Faith. I can only pray that My Father in Heaven will help me to approach His throne and lay at His feet the rest of me and the rest of the affections that I hold for the world that I am so desperately holding onto, so that I can develop a Faith that is soo strong that it permeates every single aspect of my life.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Morbid Much?
So Today Lara and I had to write up our Last Will and Testament. I never in a million years thought that I would have one of those completed and filed before the age of 40. Congrats Lara... If something unfortunate happens to me you get my extensive book collection, spanish flash cards, and my Forever 21 wash and toss wardrobe.
Note: If you don't own a house, writing a will is like shining a spotlight on your lack of monetary worth.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008



Today is the First Day of the Rest of My Life!!

I am sitting here on my brand new laptop in the midst of my first "life cleaning." I have been going through all of my belongings and tossing anything and everything that I feel is impeding my spiritual growth. I have tossed love letters, pictures of old friends, old boyfriends, clothes, shoes, old CDs that I have been holding onto since 2000, adapters and instruction manuals to electronics long since sent to Goodwill, empty notebooks and post its that I have been holding onto JIC I decide to start studying again, paintings and decorations that remind me of college, and the list goes on.


Top Five Items that Hurt like Heck to throw away:
5. Duke Swimming T Shirt that Diego brought me from his visit to Duke back in 1999
4. Pictures of me and my friends out drinking in Highschool
3. Pictures of me and guys that I have dated
2. Pictures of me and Diego
1. Five years worth of love letters



You are probably wondering why I had to get rid of all of this stuff... well I am trying to "Follow the Cloud" and all of these things were impeding my efforts to do so.


It all started about 3 months ago...


I hit the wall!!! You know... that wall that you hit at about 2-3 years out of college when you wake up and realize... omgoodness this drab routine of waking up, working, exercising, eating, and sleeping that I have been following for the past 36 months is how I am going to be living the REST OF MY LIFE * insert dramatic ominous music here*


I panicked... MAJORLY!! I started thinking about 12 year old Bekah sitting in her room during the mid nineties listening to "The Sweater Song" on her walkman daydreaming about the day she would turn 25. I had imagined sky rise apartments, an amazing boyfriend, adventures to boast about, wonderful friends, a few degrees, and a plethora of opportunity. At the current moment I am 3 for 6!! (I have some amazing friends, a few adventures, and an overflowing bucket of opportunity) It was in this moment that I realized I wanted more.

That was when the Fast Began!!


I decided to start a period of fasting and prayer. I knew that if I went to the Lord with my dilemma that he would point me in the right direction. I laid everything out at his feet.... and when I say EVERYTHING I mean EVERYTHING!! I basically said to him "Father... All I want is You and all I want is to do what you want for me to do. I lay everything that I have at your feet. Nothing is off limits... you can take my friends, location, family, job, ANYTHING if it will make your will be done" Disclaimer: I think everyone who is serious about having some amazing things happen in their life and who is serious about diving into a deep relationship with the Lord should pray this prayer. God will definitely not disappoint you and you will be in store for the adventure of your life. There is nothing like driving with your hands off the wheel. :)



So the same day that Lara and I started our fast we attended a church service that we had never been to before. We sat there uncomfortably in the pew not knowing what to expect. A man approached the podium and began to explain that the pastor was ill and that he would be sharing that day. The lights dimmed and images of the desert, soldiers, and weeping families caught in joyful embrace flashed across the front screens. Patriotic music played in the background and right at that moment I looked to my left and caught eyes with my sister and knew that this was what I needed to do... Help the Soldiers!!!


They are the people who are sacrificing their lives, time with their families and their own freedom to protect my right to sit here and write whatever I want to on the internet. They are the people who protect our luxurious lifestyles full of air conditioning, unregulated media, running water, public education, public worship services, and freedom of speech.


2 days after the church service I was sitting in my sister's cubicle and complaining about how my opportunity to serve the troops had slipped right out from under me. A few weeks before I had signed up to go to Iraq to perform inventory for some of our company's stores and had just been notified that I was not one of the 80 people selected to go overseas. I left her cubicle disheartened and passed by my boss's office on my way back to my small carpeted box I call an office. I had just turned the corner when I heard my name shouted from his open door. I drug myself back around the bend and hesitantly entered his office. I was already in a sour mood and the last thing that I needed at this point was to have another project or problem tossed my way. I braced myself as I waited for my next assignment when to my surprise he blurted out "Well I just got an e mail from HR saying that you have been selected to go to Iraq for 180 days."


And that is when this all began... The Lord lined everything up for me to go to Iraq, he has pummeled through every obstacle that has stood in my way, and everytime that I have been scared or needed reassurance he has comforted me. He has done nothing but encourage me to stay on course and follow him there. So I will.



"Whenever the cloud lifted from above the Tent, the Israelites set out; wherever the cloud settled, the Israelites encamped. At the Lord's command the Israelites set out, and at his command they encamped. As long as the cloud stayed over the tabernacle, they remained in camp"
Numbers 9:17-18