I Wouldn't Wanna Be Anywhere Else But Here

I can feel the Lord. He is calling my name louder than I have ever felt before. I just need to make sure that I answer him... I have 5 more days til the beginning of an amazing journey. Actually when I really think about it I have already started the journey. The last week has been amazing. I have seen Our Father EVERYWHERE. I have been desperately and tearfully praying that he would show himself to me and finally give me that peace that I have been missing for the last few weeks. He has definitely shown up and opened my eyes to the major moves that he is making in my life. I have come to realize that there is nothing to fear when the Lord is calling you to do something. Like with the Israelites being called to the Promised Land, when the Lord calls you somewhere he will go before you to prepare the way and will follow behind you in protection.

Yesterday was the first time that I actually thought about what a major move Lara and I are going to be making. Up until this point I haven't really let myself think about the changes that are going to be taking place in my life. As I sat there on a plush Camo recliner in the middle of Bass Pro yesterday afternoon, a twinge of fear caught in my throat. It wasn't fear of dying, leaving family, fear of loneliness, or the fear of forgettting to take something that I really needed. It was the fear of something happening and me not being able to go...and the fear that comes with the realization that when I do actually set foot in the Middle East that will be a confirmation that the Lord has chosen me... out of all people to serve him in a bigger way than I ever thought possible. I struggle with the fear of not being everything I need to be in order for him to use me the way that he wants to. I fear letting my fears hold me back from being obedient and thus missing his call to MY Promised Land.

I know that everything that I am feeling right now is a result of twinges of lack of Faith. I can only pray that My Father in Heaven will help me to approach His throne and lay at His feet the rest of me and the rest of the affections that I hold for the world that I am so desperately holding onto, so that I can develop a Faith that is soo strong that it permeates every single aspect of my life.

Morbid Much?

So Today Lara and I had to write up our Last Will and Testament. I never in a million years thought that I would have one of those completed and filed before the age of 40. Congrats Lara... If something unfortunate happens to me you get my extensive book collection, spanish flash cards, and my Forever 21 wash and toss wardrobe.

Note: If you don't own a house, writing a will is like shining a spotlight on your lack of monetary worth.

Today is the First Day of the Rest of My Life!!

I am sitting here on my brand new laptop in the midst of my first "life cleaning." I have been going through all of my belongings and tossing anything and everything that I feel is impeding my spiritual growth. I have tossed love letters, pictures of old friends, old boyfriends, clothes, shoes, old CDs that I have been holding onto since 2000, adapters and instruction manuals to electronics long since sent to Goodwill, empty notebooks and post its that I have been holding onto JIC I decide to start studying again, paintings and decorations that remind me of college, and the list goes on.


Top Five Items that Hurt like Heck to throw away:
5. Duke Swimming T Shirt that Diego brought me from his visit to Duke back in 1999
4. Pictures of me and my friends out drinking in Highschool
3. Pictures of me and guys that I have dated
2. Pictures of me and Diego
1. Five years worth of love letters



You are probably wondering why I had to get rid of all of this stuff... well I am trying to "Follow the Cloud" and all of these things were impeding my efforts to do so.


It all started about 3 months ago...


I hit the wall!!! You know... that wall that you hit at about 2-3 years out of college when you wake up and realize... omgoodness this drab routine of waking up, working, exercising, eating, and sleeping that I have been following for the past 36 months is how I am going to be living the REST OF MY LIFE * insert dramatic ominous music here*


I panicked... MAJORLY!! I started thinking about 12 year old Bekah sitting in her room during the mid nineties listening to "The Sweater Song" on her walkman daydreaming about the day she would turn 25. I had imagined sky rise apartments, an amazing boyfriend, adventures to boast about, wonderful friends, a few degrees, and a plethora of opportunity. At the current moment I am 3 for 6!! (I have some amazing friends, a few adventures, and an overflowing bucket of opportunity) It was in this moment that I realized I wanted more.

That was when the Fast Began!!


I decided to start a period of fasting and prayer. I knew that if I went to the Lord with my dilemma that he would point me in the right direction. I laid everything out at his feet.... and when I say EVERYTHING I mean EVERYTHING!! I basically said to him "Father... All I want is You and all I want is to do what you want for me to do. I lay everything that I have at your feet. Nothing is off limits... you can take my friends, location, family, job, ANYTHING if it will make your will be done" Disclaimer: I think everyone who is serious about having some amazing things happen in their life and who is serious about diving into a deep relationship with the Lord should pray this prayer. God will definitely not disappoint you and you will be in store for the adventure of your life. There is nothing like driving with your hands off the wheel. :)



So the same day that Lara and I started our fast we attended a church service that we had never been to before. We sat there uncomfortably in the pew not knowing what to expect. A man approached the podium and began to explain that the pastor was ill and that he would be sharing that day. The lights dimmed and images of the desert, soldiers, and weeping families caught in joyful embrace flashed across the front screens. Patriotic music played in the background and right at that moment I looked to my left and caught eyes with my sister and knew that this was what I needed to do... Help the Soldiers!!!


They are the people who are sacrificing their lives, time with their families and their own freedom to protect my right to sit here and write whatever I want to on the internet. They are the people who protect our luxurious lifestyles full of air conditioning, unregulated media, running water, public education, public worship services, and freedom of speech.


2 days after the church service I was sitting in my sister's cubicle and complaining about how my opportunity to serve the troops had slipped right out from under me. A few weeks before I had signed up to go to Iraq to perform inventory for some of our company's stores and had just been notified that I was not one of the 80 people selected to go overseas. I left her cubicle disheartened and passed by my boss's office on my way back to my small carpeted box I call an office. I had just turned the corner when I heard my name shouted from his open door. I drug myself back around the bend and hesitantly entered his office. I was already in a sour mood and the last thing that I needed at this point was to have another project or problem tossed my way. I braced myself as I waited for my next assignment when to my surprise he blurted out "Well I just got an e mail from HR saying that you have been selected to go to Iraq for 180 days."


And that is when this all began... The Lord lined everything up for me to go to Iraq, he has pummeled through every obstacle that has stood in my way, and everytime that I have been scared or needed reassurance he has comforted me. He has done nothing but encourage me to stay on course and follow him there. So I will.

"Whenever the cloud lifted from above the Tent, the Israelites set out; wherever the cloud settled, the Israelites encamped. At the Lord's command the Israelites set out, and at his command they encamped. As long as the cloud stayed over the tabernacle, they remained in camp"

Numbers 9:17-18